


The lonely moments just get lonlier

by Every_one_is_trash



Category: Banana Bus Squad
Genre: Angst, Breakup, Broken Promises, Co-dependent, How Do I Tag, Kinda, Lies, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, No Fluff, Non-graphic suicide, Numbness, Panic Attack, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Notes, commitment issues, decent into madness, dont read if your sensitive to anything tagged, more of a suicide video, undiagnosed mental issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-19
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2019-03-12 06:09:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13541370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Every_one_is_trash/pseuds/Every_one_is_trash
Summary: When the one you love leaves unexpectedly, what are you supposed to do?(previously titled Did you mean it?)





	The lonely moments just get lonlier

**Author's Note:**

> Title from: House of Memories from Panic! at the Disco
> 
> so i originally uploaded this to wattpad but i'm going to put all my fanfic from there to here because wattpad kinda sucks. anyway, i'm gonna rewrite all of them to make them better, or try to make them better anyway.
> 
> The note will be italicized and the video will be bolded and italicized 
> 
> x

 

When Craig woke up, it was unusually cold. He's heater of boyfriend was not in bed, and after getting out of bed to search, he wasn't even in the house. Craig panicked. All of Tyler's possessions had also disappeared. His shoes, gaming systems, clothes,  _\- everything -_ gone. Craig's head began to spin, because what the hell happened to his fucking boyfriend? He wondered if had been kidnapped or murdered or something way worse then those. What if was abducted by aliens? What if he was force to skip town because he owned money to loansharks? What if his boyfriend had been a pigment of his imagination? Thoughts of the similar liking raced through Craig's mind like a car zooming around a racetrack. 

Walking into the kitchen, he noticed a note on the counter. Something he had missed in his frenzied search for his boyfriend. Upon a closer inspection he saw that his name was scrawled in the messy handwriting of his lover. 

 

 

 

 

 

> _Craig~_
> 
> _My sweet love, I'm so sorry. Don't worry about me like I know you will. Get rid of any ludicrous thoughts your mind might makeup - they're not true. I'm afraid that the truth might be so much worse than what you could possibly imagine. Please understand that what I'm about to tell you is purely, 100% my fault. I can't do this anymore. I can't be in a relationship with you. The pressure of being in a committed relationship is too hard for me to put up with. This has nothing to do with you, you were amazing. You were so amazing. So sweet and loving, I never doubted the love you had for, hell I don't doubt the love I have for you. But that isn't the point. The point is I can't be in a relationship anymore. I know this will be hard for the both of us but you need to move on. Move on with out me. I know you can find someone who will treat you better, love you better, just be better for you. Because that's what you deserve. You deserve the world and I know I can't be the one to give it too you, but I know you will find someone who can. Please never settle for less than perfect. And I know I promised to never leave you and words cannot express how sorry I am. So please move on and forget me. This is for the best, I know you'll see it one day._
> 
> _~ With love and the best regards, Tyler_
> 
>  

Craig felt tears roll down his face. His face became hot and wet as more sobs just kept coming. How could Tyler do this? Why would he completely abandon Craig because he couldn't handle "a committed relationship" instead of just talking to him? Why would Tyler do this? Craig felt his knees go weak as he slowly fell to the ground. The only sounds that could be heard in the deathly silent apartment became interrupted by the sound of heart wrenching sobs. Craig himself became a pitiful sight. He still sported bed hair, his night shirt was wrinkly and his pajamas bottoms were in no better condition. His face was red and tear tracks were running down his oily skin, snot had also began to run down his face. Craig felt disgusted. Not just with Tyler's actions but mainly with himself.

He couldn't help but blame himself for Tyler's departure. He know's Tyler said it wasn't his fault but what else was he suppose to think? Craig know's rationally speaking that he isn't the one too blame. Too bad Craig had a tendency to ignore his rational side. 

-

Two month had passed since Tyler's departure. Two months full of tears and panic attacks. Two months full of sadness and despair. Craig wanted nothing more than to crawl into his ex's arms. To hear his Ex tell him that everything will be okay, because he's there to protect him. Craig almost laughs because Tyler had only mentioned one promise he broke in his letter. And Craig would know. He couldn't even count the hours he spent reading and rereading the letter, searching for answers on how this could've been prevented but only coming out empty-handed. Craig wishes he could he's moved on, just like Tyler has. But his life was falling apart from the seams and Tyler had moved on fairly quickly. The only time he took off from YouTube had been a week, but he had been active on twitter. So it wasn't even a break. 

Tyler now continues to follow his regular upload schedule, still plays with their friends, still laughs and has fun, still lives normally. Something Craig has tried to do but can never successfully  convince himself that this is right. Craig had posted a video to YouTube a week after Tyler left, explaining that something has occurred in his personal life and he is unable to post videos for an unknown period of time. He claimed that his abstinence from YouTube is indefinite and that he wasn't sure when or if he would ever even think about coming back. He was met with sadness (obviously), and there were tons of comments talking about if his own break from YouTube had anything to do with Tyler's silence on YouTube (even more obvious that it did) but what shocked him the most was that Tyler had private messaged him on Twitter saying things like "I still love you and I miss you" but Craig was helpless to the doubt that flooded his mind. Of course that doubt hadn't stopped him from rereading those messages. 

Craig knew that if Tyler knocked on his door that Tyler wouldn't recognize the man he would see. Craig had stopped taking care of himself. He had shaved in weeks, his hair was a tangled mess, his clothes hung off body due to the fact that he hadn't had a proper meal in over a month. Craig had deep, dark bags under his eyes, and permanent tear tracks on his cheeks. He even turned the mirrors around in his house because he no longer wanted to see the mess he had become.

-

Despite his friends countless attempts to contact him in anyway,  Craig had completely isolated himself from the outside world. His friend Dathi used to come and check on him but then he had to go back to Ireland but it didn't matter. Well actually it did. It mattered because now Craig was all by himself with no one to turn too. No one to care if he disappeared and never returned. The overwhelming loneliness that he felt was fucking suffocating. The silence in his house was quiet but at the same time the loudest thing Craig had ever heard. It seemed to taunt him, tease him about how alone he truly was. Craig was in his own, private fortress of solitude. Except that this fortress wasn't inhabited by an awesome superhero. The only one who dared to step foot in the haunting walls was the man who created it. The only one brave enough to bare the screaming silence. Craig had long forgotten what it meant to be happy, only accustomed to the suffering of his only mind.

On a normal day, that was alike the previous, something happened. A text from a hated but not forgotten soul. Tyler. He messaged Craig hoping he could meet him. Meet up at their favorite place, a quiet little meadow that was off trail next to the park. Of course Craig in all of his naivety, agreed with out a second thought. He told Tyler that he would meet him there at 3. Looking across his messy bed to the blinking clock he saw that it read 9:24 am, Craig didn't waste time in getting ready. He forced himself to leave the comfort of his bed and get in the shower.

As he stood under the harsh water, he realized something. His own co-dependency. He thought about how messed up is was how one person could affect another's mental health. This thought lead Craig too another more scary thought. Maybe he wasn't mentally stable to begin with, maybe Tyler leaving was just the catalyst that woke up the sleeping beast. Craig dismissed these because he didn't think they matter that much. Not when he was so close to reaching Nirvana again. 

-

Reaching the meadow brought a calm feeling over Craig. The way the tall grass swayed softly in the wind made the whole place feel like a fairy tale. The tall trees that circled the abandoned area made Craig feel cut off from the world, something that Craig had been use too in past months. The only difference was that this silence was alive, trees rustling, bugs buzzing, birds chirping, the faint roar of a river in the distance made the whole place feel serene. The silence in Craig's home was dead.

The only noises heard were his own sobs and screams of desperation. As Craig walked into the center of the clearing, big rocks pulled into semi circle came into view. Craig remembers moving those rocks with Tyler. The way Tyler had held his hand when they were done. Craig could almost hear the laughter, a small smile graced Craig's solemn face. Such a rare occurrence, Craig hadn't felt this calm in almost five months.

Craig sat down after he wiped the rock off, and waited. Waited for Tyler to walk up the same path Craig had taken. He waited to hear Tyler's loud voice calling out to him. Except that never happened. Craig waited for two whole hours, as the sun and temperature dropped so did Craig's already bruised heart. Craig got up as if he was going to leave but before he got too far, he dropped like a fly to the cold earthy floor. The sound that came out of his mouth was inhuman. It was unlike any sob Craig had ever experienced. Sure Craig had sobbed hard in the past but this one was different. It was loud and wet, coming from the stomach, not his throat, and it hurt. Every in take of air burn, exhaling even worse. This was the breaking point. The crack. The last thing that separated him from living his life and the overwhelming urge to off himself. Then without notice it stopped. All of his feelings stopped.

The only things in his mind was darkness and in a small corner that was too bright to ignore was Tyler.

-

The decision was easy to make.

He would make a video, leave it somewhere obvious so someone will find it and then he would do it. Before all of that though he wanted to make things as easy on everyone as possible. He cleaned his apartment from top to bottom, not a single surface or corner was left untouched. He cleaned out his fridge, did the dishes, washed and dried his laundry. After all the chores were done he took a long shower, thoroughly cleaning his hair and body. He put his nicest clothes on a hanger and draped it on his bed, that way if his parents decided to have funeral they wouldn't have too search through his belongings.

When all of that was done, Craig sat down in his normal recording area and stared at the camera (he hadn't pushed record yet). Craig thought about how close he was too his happiness. How he was about to leave all the bad things behind him. As he sat in front of the camera he couldn't help but reminisce about the good times. The laughter he shared with his friends and family. How much love he had gotten from his online followers. How he used to be so loud and boisterous, a man who never not  had a smile on their face. The joy he use to give others, how that would then make himself happy. About how it all mattered so much, once upon a time. Now he was left with this shell of what once was.

Craig almost regrets his decision. But then he remembers the coldness in his bones and the ache in his chest and knows what needs to be done. He knows deep down, that he's just a bomb waiting to go off. He's falling and no body cared enough to grab his hand. He feels himself cry again. 

Nevertheless, he reaches out and turns the camera on.

 _ **"Hello everyone. I know that some of you are going to be confused. And I hope that this doesn't come as a shock to any of you but I am not ok. Mom and Dad just know that I love you so much. I'm sorry that I'm disappointing you guys. Please don't blame your self for this, because it not you guy'es fault. It never was. You guys gave me everything I could have ever wanted. Now for the next part of this, this directly for Tyler. Ever since you left, I realized I can't live without you. And I know that makes me crazy but I don't care,"**_ Craig could feel himself let go as the words fell from his chapped lips. Every word he said, was just a sob.

_**"I don't give a fuck! I don't understand why you left. Did you really think a fucking letter would make up for your disappearance? Did you really care so little of me that you couldn't say all of those things to my face? Did you ever love me? Because I loved- no scratch that- I still love you. Even after everything you did, I still love you. Even after you had the audacity to message me telling me that you want to see me, and stand me up? Did you know I went to our meet up? I waited almost three fucking hours, and you never even showed up! God I feel so pathetic. Allowing you to ruin my life. Well I hope your happy now because I sure as hell am not. Of course I am not or neither of would be here right now. Please for the love of god, if you ever enter another relationship, please don't do to them what you did to me. NO one deserves that."  
** _

_**"Everyone I'm sorry I let you guys down. Please move on. And please remember that I'm doing this to myself. I choose this so if you want to be mad at someone, please put the blame on me, it's what I deserve. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."  
** _

Craig whispers out another _**"I'm sorry,"**_ before turning the camera off.

-

That night the LA police station received a call from a frantic citizen who claimed they heard a gunshot in their neighbor's apartment. The police arrived to find that a man had committed suicide in his bedroom. There was no note but a camera was found that is believed to contain a suicide note. The camera had a sticky note labeled, "Please give this to Tyler."

No other information was released in the official statement given to the public.

 

**Author's Note:**

> So I wanna make something clear, if you are experiencing any suicidal thoughts, PLEASE GET HELP!
> 
> Suicide is never the answer. No matter how much you think it is, coming from personal experience, it is never an option.
> 
> here is the national suicide hotline number  
> **1-800-273-8255**
> 
> please use it to your advantage, please talk to someone, because someone cares. I assure you that someone cares!


End file.
